After a botched assassination attempt by the new Taylor, the old Taylor Swift is back with a vengeance. Or are these two new Taylors? Not to be confused with “You Belong with Me”-Mean-Brunette-Regina-George Taylor Swift, or “Bad Blood”-Leather-Jumpsuit-Machete-Wielding-Combat Taylor Swift, or—God, they’re like Hydra. You cut one head off and two more show up. Like any good pop star femme fatale, Taylor has many alter egos—that’s common knowledge. But what might come as a surprise is Swift’s biological ability to procreate asexually, like a bacterium. It may look like a filmic trick, but in all seriousness, these are all separate clones.
The Taylor in “…Ready for It?” is a cloaked cyborg who spends the first minute walking down a dingy alleyway flanked by eight bodyguards, whom viewers have interpreted as stand-ins for Swift’s eight famous ex-boyfriends, a continuation of the precedent set in “Look What You Made Me Do” with eight back-up dancers. Insiders report that Swift now hires staff exclusively in increments of eight. Her team now includes sixteen bodyguards on standby and thirty-six personal chefs, each with their personal recipe for green juice. Yes—four variations for each boyfriend. Swift’s personal favorite is “Gyllenhaal No. 3,” an apple-kale blend.
Graffiti on the walls reads “I Love You in Secret,” “UR Gorgeous,” “All Eyes on Us,” and “This Is Enough.” Viewers have speculated that these are future song titles. Other viewers speculate that these are just evidence of Swift’s penchant for endearingly innocuous graffiti. Slightly out of shot, but also relevant: “My Crush on You Is, Surprisingly, Not a Publicity Stunt,” “Yes, I’m Secretly Dating a D-List White Boy,” and “I Love You as Much as I Love Social Media Rebranding.”
But subliminal messages caused less of…